Being Quiet

I got off of work this morning, it was a bit early, around 6 am and being a Sunday morning the road was near bare, the sun had yet to rise and all I wanted to do was sit outside in the brisk air and drink coffee, maybe write.  I was feeling contemplative about the last decade as I heard children read names of lost parents from that fateful day years ago.  I wanted to express how different I am from 20-30, and how my children have changed me. I didn't write or sit or think at all though.  I got home, and there was coffee, but I needed to sleep, I was tired and I crawled into my bed, my boys were already awake and getting cozy with their mommy.  

Now nearly 18 hours later I was about to go to bed, and instead decided to enjoy the silence for only a moment.  I wanted to have a moment to sit with my thoughts, allow them to ruminate in my head, a chance to think about where I am.  

As a parent, I think being quiet has become my biggest challenge.  I'm not referring to the obvious, "Well you do talk a lot Andy", but specifically sitting in my thoughts and actively engaging my inner monologue so to speak, just listening, and finding out what I hear.

I understand my dad more and more every day, after being married, having children, and starting a career.  But I think my most recent realization is why my dad wakes up so early, when it is quiet, drinks his coffee and reads, or journals, or just relaxes.  I didn't get that before I had kids, but today as I sit in the quiet of my home, listening to the ceiling fan spin I think I realize why my dad gets up so early.  I can't say for sure , but I know I like to sit in the quiet to give me a chance to just hear myself, and sometimes that is the hardest person to hear.