Choose to be Happy

I've been blessed with a unique ability to let go of work when I leave work.  Perhaps this is to my detriment, I never seemed to take my thoughts of work home with me when I did work in a creative field.  While I still did think of creative things, they were my ideas, and had little to do with my work.  Even after switching jobs to a field that was easily the least creative field imaginable I still manage to neglect thoughts of work at home.

All this is ideal for me.  When I am home I want to be with my family, with my kids, my wife, and my thoughts.  I don't lament a rough day, or for that matter spend much time reliving a great one at work, I just sort of plug on with what I was doing.  Lately that is cooking, I spend time in the morning coming up with menu planning, perhaps a walk in the afternoon for fresh vegetables with my wife and kids.  In some ways this is perfect, but my gift for living in my moment and leaving work at work doesn't translate elsewhere.

If things aren't working well with a certain aspect of parenting, or the gold standard of marriage woes; money.  I don't have work distracting me from it.  I seem to manage to use all my free time to contemplate, think, and worse yet brood.  My seemingly undaunted ability to live in the moment when I leave work, creates a polar opposite reaction at home, and one I want to change.

Lately my boys, who in all fairness are incredible kids, seem to rile my last nerve.  I know the real reason is they astound me, and in turn my standards and expectations have risen to such a point that I forget their ages.  Occasionally I will sit with Sean, and it will smack me in the face that he is a toddler and how could I possibly expect him to have the ability to reason at all times and not lose control of his emotions.  I manage to remember these things long after I have lost my temper, or worse, spent an afternoon in a horrendous mood, one where even my fun loving kids want little to do with me.

I love being a dad, and I think that is why this is hard for me.  I ofter hear complaints about fathers being at work at all hours, and work becomes they child's least favorite thing about dad.  In many cases "Dad" becomes almost a cool uncle who will always take you to the great places and do fun things, or buy new toys.  Or, for a short time was the case with my childhood, dad was the Godfather whom you never wanted to see, because if you did see him it means you really screwed up, or it was a special occasion.  I am not that dad, and have striven to be an active participant in the process of raising a child to be an adult.

I want to be a part of the entire process of raising a child, and that includes the doldrums, the fun, and the difficult.  In marriage I can manage to move past things rather quickly, my wife and I have been blessed with communication that comes with an ease that I really prayed for when we first met, I want my wife, my partner in life to know where I am and where I want us to be going.  Like wise I want to know where my wife is and where she wants to be going; we want to be in lockstep as best we can.  My ability to move past things with money and kids is poor at least half the time it seems and the difficult part is that it seems to perpetuate discontent.  As if it tints my world view and everything becomes that color.  I usually manage to end this malaise after a day or two, but rarely is it before my children have gone to bed...and usually after I have lost my temper with the going to bed process.  Thoughts of money have similar effect, but in that case the kids are purely collateral damage, and even my wife can be taken into my quicksand.

Doing things I love, like listening to great jazz, and cooking should lift me from the haze, and even lately I find this isn't the case.  I feel like there is a paradigm shift to be had somewhere, and then I recall my words I sometimes find using with my children "choose to be happy."  Sean, the child who can make me laugh like no other is 2 and a half and throws a great temper tantrum.  He is relatively easy to remove from a bad mood, just offer him a tangerine.  A little super sweet orange fruit and almost without fail he will stop the flow of tears and turn to you after shouting "NO!" he will pause almost to actually hear your offer and say in a quiet voice with puppy dog tear filled eyes "yes."  At times we will be going to a place he loves or doing something that is his favorite and something will happen and it will be endless screaming (and man that kid can scream) and I will break down forgetting he is a toddler and practically yell "choose to be happy."  No wonder why he does not listen to me, even dad has a hard time doing that.