What "I" want

The wonderful part of dating my now spouse was the interest we shared in each of our dreams.  I was overjoyed when I got my first job and she was equally as enthused.  We spoke of our futures, our family, our kids and our dreams regularly.  Even when we were married we spoke about the future and our dreams with equal enthusiasm.

My first child Drew was born 18 months into our marriage, the desire to learn about our changing spouse never faded, but much of the time did.  By our third anniversary our second child Sean was born, and any time we had was gone.  In many regards by the time Eva was born 3 years after our first was born nothing had changed, we went from busy to....busy.

In the four and a half years since Drew graced our lives many of our dreams have remained the same in my head.  My wife and I have not stopped dreaming, or planning for our future or making goals.  We have achieved many; a career change, starting a family, continuing to date one another, and keeping an active faith.  I realize now how silly I was to think that my wife's goals for her career and family would remain the same as they were nearly 5 years ago, but as we talked a little bit ago I realized that I had essentially frozen her goals in time and assumed in 5 years they hadn't changed...and I was wrong about them.

At that moment I realized a date was needed where all we talked about was our individual goals for ourself, our marriage and our family.  Had we even talked about it from our individual perspective so the other person could hear our goals yet and see if we could incorporate our individual ideas?  To date I don't think we have spent any legitimate time doing that.  So a plan at that exact moment was created, a date in a week, conversation for the night; Goals for yourself, our marriage and our family; time frame 1 year, 5 years and 10 years.

I proceeded to spend a solid week thinking about what "I" wanted.  With the exception of my actual career, and even then with limits, considering what "I" want has not been a big thought for me.  This was not easy for me, and when I finally did finish thinking about it I was almost afraid to say it all.  The vast majority of my thoughts about the future where pedestrian and not far off the grid, but as I examined where I wanted our lives to be in 10 years I realized that I was really having a hard time thinking of me.  While this isn't bad the fact I think of my family and my wife first, it brought up something I heard from an Aunt some years back.  She was speaking about kids, parents and raising kids and she said, and I am summarizing, that your job is not to achieve your dreams for your children, but rather give them the tools to achieve them and you should still pursue your own dreams.  I started thinking, did I stop dreaming when I had kids?

It occurred to me that my faith played a huge role in my career change, probably a central consideration, and that being the case what did that mean for my dreams.  I had already achieved a major dream, discovering my vocation more completely, I married the love of my life, and I have a wonderful family.  I almost felt that I would greedy if I wanted more.  In the end I have achieved more for "me" than most people can hope for.

In the end I did discover a goal for what "I" want.  Once again I found it revolved around my faith and following where I feel God is calling me to go, and it was a long term goal.  As with many things you do when following a vocation it was bit scary/challenging, but I was excited that I was once again able to listen to my calling.

Our date was awesome, and I could not have hoped for a better time with my wife.  We "re"discovered what each of us was hoping for.   I love being able to really delve into all that my wife and I are planning for our families our marriage and each other.  It makes the road of life exciting to be on, and gives a chance to look forward to adventures further down the path.