Oversleeping

When I wake up, within a few seconds I roll over and examine the glowing red clock and see if I should wake up.

No, lets start over. That is not reality.

When I wake up, within a few seconds I roll over and curse the glowing red clock...I usually take way too long getting out of bed and my incredible wife starts the morning routine without me.  Being tired is what being an adult seems to be about.  I don't know many people my age, older or younger who can't describe themselves as tired on most days, so you'd think that today, a day I took off from work, rolling over, seeing the clock 2 hours later than I had planned on it being would be an epic wonderful monumental good thing.  Well I suppose that's what I'd hope for.

I awoke, 2 hours later than I planned and it is as if the world fast forwarded 2 months and I awoke from a coma.  I planned on awaking by dinner time (I work nights) and having dinner with my kids, bathing them with my wife, reading stories and putting them to bed before a quiet night in the house (heck maybe I would even write a little)

Instead.  I awoke and the sun had set, it wasn't quite dark out and my kids were not home.  I walked through our house in a haze, it felt like the "Twilight Zone."  Where was everyone?  I drew the only conclusion I could come to which of course led me next door to my wife's family where I discovered my children.  They had already been fed of course so now I didn't eat dinner with my family, my daughter was asleep, my boys were settling down for bed, and my wife was not around.

After a momentary flash of parenthood, I chose to play "hotel" with Drew and Sean for a few minutes before taking them home for bed, we got our things settled, and the boys got to sleep in their own beds.  I sat at the computer for a bit waiting for them to get deep asleep before picking up Eva.  Everything wasn't firing right for me.  I started water for some pasta, but forgot it and came back to it to see a pot nearly empty, the water nearly gone.  I finally got my daughter and sat down to eat, as I watched a movie.

My wife came home from work; apparently she woke me earlier in the afternoon and we talked about what is going to happen when I wake up and where she would be.  I say apparently because I may as well have told her I bought the kids ponies and she could have a 15 carat diamond tennis bracelet because I won the lottery, I don't have a clue what we talked about.  So after I was clued in to a conversation I had in a sleeping mist my wife went to bed.

What the hell happened to my day.

I am fairly sure that my wife and I could use like a solid two extra hours of sleep a night for I don't know the next 5 years, but if this is what 2 hours of sleep does to me I think I'll pass.

At least I got some quiet time to sit and write a bit and clear my head...I think I'm going to try and get some sleep now.

Welcome to the World

I wrote this a few months back and never finished it.  After reading it tonight I put the last few touches on the post, this was written the night before my 30th birthday...

There is nothing profound about birthdays that I could possibly put to paper (or a screen) that hasn't been said.  Whether it is a mid life crisis, a quarter life crisis, or just plain old, birthdays have an incredible ability to cause one to exam the past and contemplate the future; but it seems to me that, your past may as well be laying tracks for your future.

If we stay with that analogy of our life as a freight train it is surprising how it all starts.

Welcome to the World.  You are a simple train and you start moving.  Your family hitches up with you but really only as the engine, pulling you along, and at some point between 17 and 25 or so their train leaves the track and you are a full fledged engine yourself.  At that precise moment the world is your oyster, and thinking about that it is pretty remarkable.  There is not place your train "can't" go, and there is no track that you can't get to eventually.  But, within a few seconds of you being on your way you start closing certain tracks, even if you don't see them.

Now if you are lucky you were given a compass by your family, or you found one on your way.  For many this compass is God, but not everyone.  Some discover their own compass, faith, spirituality, mediation, or just a simple moral compass they adopt as their own.  We don't all find or receive a compass early in life, but many do.  I was lucky and was blessed by my mother around 14 or 15 to really attach myself to my faith, this guidance in my life is nothing short of a blessing.

I chose  to invest in myself with my college degree.  College was a track closer believe it or not.  I chose to start closing many tracks that basically involved math.  Honestly in some ways I regret that.  I struggled in math towards the end of high school, but looking at it now I think I was more interested in other things, and didn't realize why I would pursue math.  Even now, I wonder "what if" a tiny bit, but never enough to consider the monumental effort it would take to turn my train around and try and figure out if those tracks were never laid or I just chose to turn away.  I majored in Film, a recent love that I only saw as a 16 or 17 year old.  I didn't have some life long obsession with movies like many of my class mates.  I mostly had an fascination with people, and film enabled me to really explore that aspect of my life.  I fell in love, joined a fraternity and jumped head first in to college to graduate with a degree that was limitless with potential based on patience and ability to be poor.  I have never really been good at either and took the safe job, "my first offer."

This was not bad, but I closed a major track.  I chose to use money my dad had said he would give me to see Europe for a down payment on a car. See I didn't just go to Europe after graduation....I should have, no I played it safe and started looking for work from day one.  I regret this choice, mainly because I could have purchased a car anytime, and in 2003 the economy was sailing so I don't even think a job would have been impossible to come by, but the time for Europe won't come again for me for many more years.  And even with these tracks turned away from I can't help but to look back 7 years and know that if I would have done all that...I never would have met my wife.  I would have been in Europe instead of sitting at a poker party and talking, and we'd likely never have met.  I ended up getting to ride on some of the tracks I turned away from in 2003, in 2006 my wife and I did Southern and Northern Ireland, much like I would have done as a recent college grad.  Even with my turning away from those tracks I got to ride at least a small portion of the tracks, but this time with the woman I love on our anniversary while she carried our child, a truly profound experience.

I wonder now, as a parent with three small children if I have closed any tracks for my children, I truly hope not, but I know I must have.  I have yet to really invest in my kids language.  They speak English, but I have done next to nothing to insure they will speak any additional languages which is a huge advantage in life.  I am introducing my children to my faith which has led me to truth in my life, but they may never see a world view different than what I have introduce them to.  I don't want to think what if with my children, but that is something that seems inevitable as a parent, I just hope I don't miss the important tracks for my kids and they are able to accomplish what they dream about as a child.

It's sort of funny how I really don't think about my track near at all anymore compared to what I think about with my kids...I feel like I have chosen my path and just hope that I don't choose my kids but give them the tools to find where they hope to go.

The Love of Affection

I used to think I would out grow my desire to receive praise.  As a child, teen and young adult I would regularly want to talk with my parents, more specifically my dad, about my enterprises, classes, grades (when they were good) and even my job.  To hear my dad tell me that he was proud of me lifted my spirits, and even now I can flash back to moments of accomplishment and the feeling I had when my father told me how proud he was of me.  That motivates me to want to work even harder, do better and accomplish more.  

You'd figure I would out grow this desire, but in reality it hasn't.  As a man now I'd be lying if I didn't want to hear from my dad say that he is proud of me, and though I talk with him regularly, it isn't the same as when you can see it from someone's eyes.  

Having young kids when you come home from work, or in my case when I wake up after work, run to you and say they love you is a truly remarkable feeling.  Recently my daughter who is just over a year will lunge, if she is being held, with all her might to me and try and have me hold her.  My boy's will ask about my work and to be honest I love when they are impressed with my day.  I can't imagine that many people my age feel this way...who knows, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy that my boys love what I do and express pride in their dad.  

Drew has started showing signs of this as well, reminding us of his good behavior, pointing out things he excels in, and even seeking acknowledgement for doing what he is supposed to do.  Seeing this from a four year old reminds me a lot of how I act even now as an adult.  Perhaps this is not unique to me per se, though I still feel that I seem to want positive affirmation more than most.  

See I think this is where we may get things wrong as a whole.  You often hear people joke, well maybe he wasn't hugged enough as a kid.  If even as an adult, married with kids affirmation and acknowledgement is a priority for me, why is that bad.  Isn't "great job" free?  I'm not saying throw a party, but a shoulder squeeze and an "atta boy" seems simple, but has the potential to really fuel a person to grow and excel.  

I think I have even fallen into the trap of trying to budget my expression of pride, and there is no good reason.  I can tell the impact it makes when I do it, this is something I know will make an impression on my kids for years to come.  If self confidence is a trait I seek to instill in my children, I think it clearly starts with providing an abundance of affection, that is something I can do and I understand.

Bonding with my wife

My wife and I went to engaged encounter a few months before our wedding.  We spent some quality time there, and though some of the talking points they gave were already discussed prior to our arrival it was nonetheless a very meaningful weekend.  As I remember sitting with my bride to be there was a very lovely couple in their late 40s with grown children.  They spoke about dating your spouse, and deciding to love, rather than just expecting a romantic love to tingle and grow without work.  I'd never thought that marriage is just something that happens, or for that matter is easy, but I never thought about dating my wife.  I've been married for nearly six years, and I know next to nothing about "dating" now, but I know a lot about my wife.

When I married my wife I was working for an advertising agency editing video.  If I didn't know you, I'd just say I was editing commercials, but that wouldn't be accurate, the most "commercial" video I worked on lived on the internet, not the television, but regardless it was a major ad agency for one of the largest clients in the world.  I was younger, far more care free, and to be honest way more egocentric.  I was just as talkative and loud as I am now, but perhaps with a "bit" less tack, but I can't lie I still don't have much tack, and that has become part of what makes me, me.  I was a father about 18 months after I was married, which meant we didn't have a honeymoon baby, but didn't exactly spend a lot of time as a couple alone either.  By about the time we had our second child, 3 years into our marriage, that couple we heard at engaged encounter made sense to me.  My wife was working full time, we had a one year old and she was pregnant with our second, I quit my job, and completely changed my career, starting all over.  A month after my son Sean was born we moved.  So in the span of 9 months, my wife quit her full time job got a part time one, I quit my job, got a new one, we moved and we had a second child...I'm tired just writing that.

I really needed to date my wife, I needed to get to know her again.  She spent all day with our kids, still worked (and still does), and I was in a new job working all sorts of hours of the day, switching shifts far more than is good for a human being.  It isn't that I changed dramatically in a day, or she did either, we were living our lives, and if we didn't have an hour to talk we would realize a few months later that the other person may be really struggling, changing, growing, getting depressed, be elated, be sad, and just plain living life without the other person.

I married Cristina to be together for life, not just a lifetime.  I met my wife and knew I had found a person who's personality was strong and vibrant enough to deal with the brash person I can be, and I won't lie that is hard.  My wife and I compliment each other, we make a whole, which really is what marriage is.  Thus the dating.

See I don't believe people change in the grand scheme of things, but I do believe that we progress on our path.  If you aren't careful you come to find out you have diverged on slightly different paths, and the two roads you met on that became one, are two again, this doesn't signify the end, but rather a misstep in relationship timing.  When you fall out of sync and path for too long the movies love the line "I don't even know you anymore" happens, but more specifically you have chosen a path that no longer involves being with someone else, and I don't think this is from lack of working in marriage, but rather lack of dating.

I haven't been married long in comparison to some, but I have learned a bit in my short time, and I know I have continually grown, evolved and refined who I am, if my wife thought I was the same man I was 6 or even 8 years ago we'd be in trouble.  But whether it is a morning breakfast at her favorite place, or an evening on the couch under a blanket we have reached out to each other to bond in a way best described as dating;  Coming together at a particular time to focus on the other person, and I can't think of any relationship that won't be made better by doing that.