Bonding with my wife

My wife and I went to engaged encounter a few months before our wedding.  We spent some quality time there, and though some of the talking points they gave were already discussed prior to our arrival it was nonetheless a very meaningful weekend.  As I remember sitting with my bride to be there was a very lovely couple in their late 40s with grown children.  They spoke about dating your spouse, and deciding to love, rather than just expecting a romantic love to tingle and grow without work.  I'd never thought that marriage is just something that happens, or for that matter is easy, but I never thought about dating my wife.  I've been married for nearly six years, and I know next to nothing about "dating" now, but I know a lot about my wife.

When I married my wife I was working for an advertising agency editing video.  If I didn't know you, I'd just say I was editing commercials, but that wouldn't be accurate, the most "commercial" video I worked on lived on the internet, not the television, but regardless it was a major ad agency for one of the largest clients in the world.  I was younger, far more care free, and to be honest way more egocentric.  I was just as talkative and loud as I am now, but perhaps with a "bit" less tack, but I can't lie I still don't have much tack, and that has become part of what makes me, me.  I was a father about 18 months after I was married, which meant we didn't have a honeymoon baby, but didn't exactly spend a lot of time as a couple alone either.  By about the time we had our second child, 3 years into our marriage, that couple we heard at engaged encounter made sense to me.  My wife was working full time, we had a one year old and she was pregnant with our second, I quit my job, and completely changed my career, starting all over.  A month after my son Sean was born we moved.  So in the span of 9 months, my wife quit her full time job got a part time one, I quit my job, got a new one, we moved and we had a second child...I'm tired just writing that.

I really needed to date my wife, I needed to get to know her again.  She spent all day with our kids, still worked (and still does), and I was in a new job working all sorts of hours of the day, switching shifts far more than is good for a human being.  It isn't that I changed dramatically in a day, or she did either, we were living our lives, and if we didn't have an hour to talk we would realize a few months later that the other person may be really struggling, changing, growing, getting depressed, be elated, be sad, and just plain living life without the other person.

I married Cristina to be together for life, not just a lifetime.  I met my wife and knew I had found a person who's personality was strong and vibrant enough to deal with the brash person I can be, and I won't lie that is hard.  My wife and I compliment each other, we make a whole, which really is what marriage is.  Thus the dating.

See I don't believe people change in the grand scheme of things, but I do believe that we progress on our path.  If you aren't careful you come to find out you have diverged on slightly different paths, and the two roads you met on that became one, are two again, this doesn't signify the end, but rather a misstep in relationship timing.  When you fall out of sync and path for too long the movies love the line "I don't even know you anymore" happens, but more specifically you have chosen a path that no longer involves being with someone else, and I don't think this is from lack of working in marriage, but rather lack of dating.

I haven't been married long in comparison to some, but I have learned a bit in my short time, and I know I have continually grown, evolved and refined who I am, if my wife thought I was the same man I was 6 or even 8 years ago we'd be in trouble.  But whether it is a morning breakfast at her favorite place, or an evening on the couch under a blanket we have reached out to each other to bond in a way best described as dating;  Coming together at a particular time to focus on the other person, and I can't think of any relationship that won't be made better by doing that.

Milestones

Being a parent has filled me with tremendous pride.  Watching my small babies, grow into toddlers, and young kids is a joy to watch.  With each passing milestone I am of course proud and want to impart this on my kids.  I am a firm believer that showing your children how proud of them you are helps create healthy kids.  That is the exact thing that has recently made me have to come up with creative ways to impart this on each of my 3 kids.

As my 4 year old recently was cast into a commercial, my wife and I were ecstatic that he would have a great start to a college/small business fund.  Drew had a blast and I am sure that my other two children had to notice how excited we were for him.  Not wanting to make the others feel left out we tried hard to insure them that we thought they were special and spend some quality time with both Sean and Eva.

Not even a few weeks later my wife and I started potty training our 2.5 year old.  Sean was a different experience than Drew, but sure enough 3 days in we were over the moon to see that Sean was really picking up on it.  To start, Drew was just as excited as us and "helped" my wife and I with Sean, but just like with Drew a few weeks prior, I am sure that Eva and Drew were taking notice of all the attention Sean was getting.  Soon Drew was announcing his successful escapades in the bathroom and seeking the same praise.

Eva for her part is at a stage of life where hitting milestones comes a tad bit more frequently.  The boys are far more used to this, and seem to celebrate the joy of watching a young sibling grow.  I think given her age and the fact that she is a girl and they are boys, the competition hasn't quite set in.

My wife and I have spent a lot of energy trying to teach our children the importance of working together and celebrating each person's accomplishments.  We have expressed that no matter how often, we will be excited and proud of our kids endlessly as they grow, that praise for one will not mean less praise for them later. The fact that we all accomplish things our own way and in our own time is a far harder lesson to teach to young children.

Milestones with one child is a no brainer, with only one child's feelings to think about and praise, the worry that another child would feel slighted is non-existent, but it was a surprise to me to realize that mutual sharing in joy is not just a concept that adults can struggle with but kids as young as 2 struggle with as well.  Hopefully I can impart this lesson on my kids and they will understand there parents have an endless amount of praise to give to our children, love is not a limited commodity we give out.

Parental Scale

My wife and I just went away for the weekend.  She had a work conference near Disneyland and we got a nice hotel room in close proximity of the magic kingdom.  We have been going together now for years and it has always been a wonderful trip.

Before we had kids we'd sneak away for great dates and a nice time out with some mutual friends.  After we had our first I'd stay back while Cristina went to her conference.  Even with the addition of another child we would make it year after year.  Last year after our third had been born once again we went, my wife with the infant in tow.

This year I flew solo with all three while my wife went and enjoyed some wonderful conferences; and this year it was a challenge.  At home all three kids is not nearly as trying.  We have multiple rooms, safe areas I can let them play alone, all sorts of toys, shows, activities and "baby free" areas for my boys to play.  But away from home we have limited space, toys, and resources with which to keep the kids occupied.  The weather this year was abysmal, so my fail safe last year of hanging by the pool was a no go.  So like a ship without a rudder, I attempted to wing it.  On Friday we played at Disney, but the crowds deterred me and I went back to the hotel.  Saturday, my grand plan of the pool was crushed with frigid temps and I lacked the ability to effectively call an audible.  So the laws of scaling difficulty came into play.  Slowly my crying daughter ate away at my patience, and when I finally got her asleep, my boys who were not giving me any sort of legitimate problems began to wrangle my last nerve.

Just like that I was losing it with them.  I had the patience for a crying kid for a long while, and when I endured that "test" a newer far simpler test presented itself, but my parental endurance was exhausted.  As my family has scaled in size, unfortunately not everything has scaled for me.  I am not 3 times more patient, and I don't have 3 times the energy.  Fortunately for my wife and I the rules of scale have benefited us as well.  Our kids do entertain themselves, and food prep isn't any more difficult, though feeding 3 kids who need constant attention is a chore unto it's self.  Ultimately I always thought that I could ignore whining and crying and it wouldn't rile my nerves, but I never planned on how little sleep I would get (or the poor quality of sleep), and how that truly effects my ability to effectively parent.  I also never planned on three kids waring on my nerves at the same time. I am going to need help when my kids coordinate their moves and don't have happy/unhappy accidental Dad overload moments, but rather a meltdown of their planning.

Choose to be Happy

I've been blessed with a unique ability to let go of work when I leave work.  Perhaps this is to my detriment, I never seemed to take my thoughts of work home with me when I did work in a creative field.  While I still did think of creative things, they were my ideas, and had little to do with my work.  Even after switching jobs to a field that was easily the least creative field imaginable I still manage to neglect thoughts of work at home.

All this is ideal for me.  When I am home I want to be with my family, with my kids, my wife, and my thoughts.  I don't lament a rough day, or for that matter spend much time reliving a great one at work, I just sort of plug on with what I was doing.  Lately that is cooking, I spend time in the morning coming up with menu planning, perhaps a walk in the afternoon for fresh vegetables with my wife and kids.  In some ways this is perfect, but my gift for living in my moment and leaving work at work doesn't translate elsewhere.

If things aren't working well with a certain aspect of parenting, or the gold standard of marriage woes; money.  I don't have work distracting me from it.  I seem to manage to use all my free time to contemplate, think, and worse yet brood.  My seemingly undaunted ability to live in the moment when I leave work, creates a polar opposite reaction at home, and one I want to change.

Lately my boys, who in all fairness are incredible kids, seem to rile my last nerve.  I know the real reason is they astound me, and in turn my standards and expectations have risen to such a point that I forget their ages.  Occasionally I will sit with Sean, and it will smack me in the face that he is a toddler and how could I possibly expect him to have the ability to reason at all times and not lose control of his emotions.  I manage to remember these things long after I have lost my temper, or worse, spent an afternoon in a horrendous mood, one where even my fun loving kids want little to do with me.

I love being a dad, and I think that is why this is hard for me.  I ofter hear complaints about fathers being at work at all hours, and work becomes they child's least favorite thing about dad.  In many cases "Dad" becomes almost a cool uncle who will always take you to the great places and do fun things, or buy new toys.  Or, for a short time was the case with my childhood, dad was the Godfather whom you never wanted to see, because if you did see him it means you really screwed up, or it was a special occasion.  I am not that dad, and have striven to be an active participant in the process of raising a child to be an adult.

I want to be a part of the entire process of raising a child, and that includes the doldrums, the fun, and the difficult.  In marriage I can manage to move past things rather quickly, my wife and I have been blessed with communication that comes with an ease that I really prayed for when we first met, I want my wife, my partner in life to know where I am and where I want us to be going.  Like wise I want to know where my wife is and where she wants to be going; we want to be in lockstep as best we can.  My ability to move past things with money and kids is poor at least half the time it seems and the difficult part is that it seems to perpetuate discontent.  As if it tints my world view and everything becomes that color.  I usually manage to end this malaise after a day or two, but rarely is it before my children have gone to bed...and usually after I have lost my temper with the going to bed process.  Thoughts of money have similar effect, but in that case the kids are purely collateral damage, and even my wife can be taken into my quicksand.

Doing things I love, like listening to great jazz, and cooking should lift me from the haze, and even lately I find this isn't the case.  I feel like there is a paradigm shift to be had somewhere, and then I recall my words I sometimes find using with my children "choose to be happy."  Sean, the child who can make me laugh like no other is 2 and a half and throws a great temper tantrum.  He is relatively easy to remove from a bad mood, just offer him a tangerine.  A little super sweet orange fruit and almost without fail he will stop the flow of tears and turn to you after shouting "NO!" he will pause almost to actually hear your offer and say in a quiet voice with puppy dog tear filled eyes "yes."  At times we will be going to a place he loves or doing something that is his favorite and something will happen and it will be endless screaming (and man that kid can scream) and I will break down forgetting he is a toddler and practically yell "choose to be happy."  No wonder why he does not listen to me, even dad has a hard time doing that.

The Joy of Cooking

Having been a fan of cooking in the kitchen for some time I find it amazing it took me so long to buy a book that in some circles is considered the back bone of any cook book collection.  My newest found escapade into the artistic chemistry that is creating food has finally brought my desire to buy this book to the fruition.

So while perusing the book store the other afternoon I finally decided I should  buy this book, and I did.  There are a whopping total of 4500 recipes in the book, a bible thickness, and a funny touch only one silk ribbon book mark, though my first meal made from the pages required 2 different pages with my recipe.  Cooking has become an escape as my last few posts have discussed but a little more for me.

My mom, who happens to live overseas, came in town for her yearly visit.  My children have grown tremendously since her last trip nearly a year and a half ago, and my family grew by a beautiful daughter in that time.

My mom valued cooking for our family and equated her cooking to her expression of love for us.  We'd eat all sorts of things, always with little spice and never with butter.  My mom, a child of the 50s and 60s grew up with the advent of the dreaded vegetable oil solid that is now a trans-fat nightmare of margarine, but I can't fault her for that, and it did after all give me the greatest pie crust yet with Crisco instead of butter or lard.  My mom who has become far less of an exploratory cook as she has aged was quite the explorer as I remember our dinners.  She would try anything and everything, her recipe index would likely provide enough meals to have a new one every night for the rest of our lives, and she would still tear out recipes from the food section on Thursdays.  My mom, as a house wife, knew the intrinsic value of eating as a family, and preparing fresh healthy food.  It even took my mom till I was nearly 12 to finally decide it was okay to get a microwave.

As my mom and I visited we noted how different we are, and the similarities between her and my other siblings.  But cooking and "dinner time" we do share.  She commented that I would be a great chef, and I disagreed, cooking for me is more about feeling and less about trying to figure out how to make money from it.  The time came for dinner and I made our kids a quick meal since we were having a late adult dinner due to my brother getting off work late.  I made braised stuffed pork chops with home made Italian stuffing.  It took me longer than I thought it would and the mess I made was worthy of a feast, not a simple dinner.  But as my brother and our wives with my mom sat eating our food, which I slightly over cooked, it did give me joy.  There was a joy to cooking.  I really loved preparing food for my family, I loved knowing that I made this from scratch, with herbs from my garden and it wasn't a quick 15 min. exercise in microwave heating, but rather a process that produced a delicious meal to be the backdrop of our family at table breaking bread.  It seems to me that when I spend a little more time creating a meal; it is more than just dinner.  It becomes a center piece to foster the building of relationships.

Going to Bed

Lying down. Closing my eyes. Sleeping.  In my now 5.5 years of marriage, 4 years have been sleep deprived, and yet I still function at a above average level, most of the time.  The people who receive my less than patient attitude is my family, which is sad.  I remember as a kid my mom yelling at me, and I seemed to inspire a special fury sometimes, but if that phone rang I remember my mom answering in the sweetest tone, a tone that made me long to be playing outside.

It seems that no matter the era, or place, in the end the ones we love seem to get our patience when it runs dry.  Lately it's my boys, and to be honest it has little to do with what they do. They are real young so to find fault with much of what they do seems unfair at best.  My oldest has a vivid imagination, and my younger boy has received that same gift, for whatever reason, likely age, my older boy must see a world that energizes him at night.  Either it is thoughts of what is happening, or what will happen when he sleeps, it is a struggle one night, and the next he is asleep before I have finished five pages from the book we are reading.  Some nights my slightly chillier visage is acceptable, heck even invited, and others only the warmth a mother brings will satisfy his racing mind.

I don't think kids realize that their behavior can actually pierce us as much as it does, I am truly saddened when my son yells that he doesn't want me to read, but wants mommy instead.  The sad part is I should play it more like the cat theory with him, ignore him and he will want me more, but it is hard when you feel slighted. While I know it isn't meant as a dagger, that knowledge doesn't lessen the pangs.

Being a parent seems like an exercise in memory, do you remember how you felt at that age when...Unfortunately I usually remember only after I do they thing I hated as a kid to my own children.  I seem to forget it makes zero sense to yell when I hope to calm a situation, much like it is pointless to slap a kid's hand and say "no hitting."  But that patience things hits me, and my kid memory doesn't kick in, and all of the sudden I am trying to yell at my son to stay in bed and "GO TO SLEEP..." yeah I'm sure he's relaxed to go to sleep then.

The dread two young children must feel for bed time approaching must be profound in their eyes.  Compared to the utter delight that comes over me as I lie down for the evening couldn't be more apropos. The thought of completing a day successfully brings a content quality to me, and to my young children, the thought of a day ending is missed opportunities, perhaps I'm the one doing it wrong.

 

Cooking : BHG Deep-Dish Chicken Pot Pie

There is little I could write about cooking that hasn't been put to page before.  Though I doubt that "love" needs anything new to add and people have managed to write about it since the written word was born.

Cooking seems a lot like running to me.  I know many people who get some sort of runners high, I don't get that, and I know just as many people who won't cook.  People love running or just put up with it, and they love cooking or just put up with it.  I love to cook.

While I have never taken a single class on how to cook I am the proud owner of a 4H Club gold medal in cooking for my pot stickers I made one year at "regionals." I have always really loved to cook, and can't imagine that changing.  My mom was my first teacher when it came to the kitchen and she imparted one thing on me that enabled me to "learn" to cook, and that was to follow a recipe.  By following a recipe I have now become pretty adventurous in the kitchen and am self taught.  This also means I have very little idea what I am doing in the kitchen so when it doesn't go to plan it sometimes bombs.  Granted the point of a recipe is that just about anyone could do it by following it step by step.  So I do just that, step by step, one at a time, I bake, grill, poach, sauté, and when all is said and done I think I succeed 75% of the time.

To make matters worse I make the biggest mess imaginable when I am in the kitchen.  If my food wasn't decent most of the time I think my wife would kill me for the dishes I dirty just to prepare food.  Being a novice as I am, I misjudge size of bowls I need, so I dirty 2 or 3, I misjudge how much food will really be made, regardless of what the recipe says for servings.  Granted this does mean my in-laws get the benefit of getting tons of food for dinner which I do think they appreciate.

Lately I have been cooking more than I have in the past, I seem to go through phases a lot, but I get so much out of preparing food for my family.  I just love watching ingredients transform into something completely different and more incredible then they are on their own. Sort of like a piano, it seems there are infinite possibilities what those 88 keys can do, watching what I can do with flour, water, salt and butter always seems to amaze me.  Creating food for me has given me a better appreciation of the past as well.  Perhaps there is a connection with a 90 minute prep time for dinner and family time.  By forcing me to slow down on my days off and cook, I have time to think a little, listen to some music that speaks to me, and even interact with my kids.  The kitchen at 4pm at our house is the heart of the entire house, where everyone is coming and going where electricity is in the air.  It is also known as the witching hour so it is either a hellish chaos, or like today, a energetic and life giving that is fun to be around.

Perhaps this cooking phase will pass, and I will look at cooking once again as a chore that can be fun, but tonight I made a Chicken Pot Pie that was awesome.  My kids and my wife all ate it and while our dinner routine is a mix between being a referee, a speed eater, and a nurse, occasionally I make something that works with our family dynamic and my kids eat and I eat at the same time and we all enjoy a good meal.  When it all works that 90 minute time investment seems more than worth it, and I feel like I have taught my children a little about nutrition, family, and value of doing something yourself (perhaps that is a bit ambitious but I can dream right.)