I Forgive you

Stay Together

I watched Sean and Drew interact with one another at school today.  Knowing we have a few short months left of the two being in such close proximity to each other while I can watch so easily (volunteering in the classroom.)  My wife I are trying to pay even closer attention and really remember these times.  


Inevitably the boys do as brothers do, they began to bicker, about what I am not too sure, but Sean pushed Drew.  Drew has a knack for a classic soccer flop and over reacted, but nonetheless Sean did push him.  I stepped in, stopping the boys from escalating and attempting to impart some sense of right and wrong.  I instructed Sean to apologize for what he had done and give his brother a hug, which Sean did without a fight.  Drew immediately attempted to run back to the play yard but I stopped him, the lesson was not complete.  I instructed Drew to say "I forgive you."  Drew hesitated, attempted to flee, but I stopped him and he said "I forgive you Sean".  The lesson of course complete for the children, but about to begin for me.


"Daddy, what does, I forgive you mean"  Drew lobbed my way not knowing the depth of his question, or even scarier knowing exactly how deep the question is.  I paused, my mind racing for an age appropriate response.  I began my obligatory start to answer my kids questions.  "Well Drew, I forgive you means...Well when you aren't sad, (nope that's not right,) when you aren't angry (gah not that either) When you won't remember ( I was stumped.)  "Drew, I forgive you means that you are not going to let someones actions further harm your relationship and you hope that the relationship will be better from here on out."


I know a little too much for a four and a half year old.  But forgiveness is more than just words, in fact words are almost irrelevant.  The words "I forgive you" are the most important and least important aspect the act of forgiveness.  Similarly "I love you" means nothing if you don't mean it, and if you say it almost without question the person knows if you mean it, whether or not you say it, but forgiveness, forgiveness is actually more difficult than love.

That is what I struggled with explaining to Drew.  

To forgive: to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.);absolve.  That is Dictionary.Com's definition, and it is wonderful, but also reveals how hard forgiveness is.  To absolve one of their actions is a tall order on both parties.  If I suffer the consequences of my actions my debt is paid, but if someone has chosen a higher path, truly the Lords way, I now owe not them but God.  I think that is what is hard, beautiful, and mysterious about forgiveness.  The act of forgiveness brings both parties to closer to God, it makes both parties better people, provides both with an opportunity to grow closer to one another and to God.  

If I choose to not forgive someone, I grow a little apart from them, they may choose to repay me in some form of the inequity, but somethings are not able to be made right with treasure.  A cruel word, an act of betrayle, or cruelty, there is not a great recompense for these things.  I can't payback these wrongs, (it is almost a beauty of forgiveness that money won't buy your way to "good."  No, the wronged person can now be made a little more whole (quite likely not in a complete way immediately)  by opening themselves up to grace in giving forgiveness.  Likewise the perpetrator of wrongdoing can't just throw money at the problem, thus making the rich at an additional advantage in life.  The ability to absolve an act that separates two people, no that is a divine moment.  The person wronged can wait and tell if that person is remorseful and choose to bring the relationship back to whole by the act of forgiving, or in a far more Christ like fashion the person can without regard for remorse can choose to forgive, and not  allow the acts to further rupture the relationship.

The last curious thing I found thinking about as the boys ran off was the beginning of it all, "I'm sorry."  That started it all again, much like "I Love you" and "I forgive you"  these words only work when meant, so much to the point that people struggle mightily saying them and without them forgiveness is next to impossible, for seeking forgiveness implies that a wrong has been done that needs to be pardoned, you have no need to be forgiven if you are not sorry, and if you aren't really sorry, forgiveness is next to meaningless for you are still estranged in your heart if sorrow has not entered it.  What is incredible is when someone forgives without an apology and means it, it shows the true ability to love in the person forgiving.

What does "I forgive you" mean?  It means "I choose us, over me."  I wish I thought of that when Drew and Sean were standing there.