Welcome to the World

I wrote this a few months back and never finished it.  After reading it tonight I put the last few touches on the post, this was written the night before my 30th birthday...

There is nothing profound about birthdays that I could possibly put to paper (or a screen) that hasn't been said.  Whether it is a mid life crisis, a quarter life crisis, or just plain old, birthdays have an incredible ability to cause one to exam the past and contemplate the future; but it seems to me that, your past may as well be laying tracks for your future.

If we stay with that analogy of our life as a freight train it is surprising how it all starts.

Welcome to the World.  You are a simple train and you start moving.  Your family hitches up with you but really only as the engine, pulling you along, and at some point between 17 and 25 or so their train leaves the track and you are a full fledged engine yourself.  At that precise moment the world is your oyster, and thinking about that it is pretty remarkable.  There is not place your train "can't" go, and there is no track that you can't get to eventually.  But, within a few seconds of you being on your way you start closing certain tracks, even if you don't see them.

Now if you are lucky you were given a compass by your family, or you found one on your way.  For many this compass is God, but not everyone.  Some discover their own compass, faith, spirituality, mediation, or just a simple moral compass they adopt as their own.  We don't all find or receive a compass early in life, but many do.  I was lucky and was blessed by my mother around 14 or 15 to really attach myself to my faith, this guidance in my life is nothing short of a blessing.

I chose  to invest in myself with my college degree.  College was a track closer believe it or not.  I chose to start closing many tracks that basically involved math.  Honestly in some ways I regret that.  I struggled in math towards the end of high school, but looking at it now I think I was more interested in other things, and didn't realize why I would pursue math.  Even now, I wonder "what if" a tiny bit, but never enough to consider the monumental effort it would take to turn my train around and try and figure out if those tracks were never laid or I just chose to turn away.  I majored in Film, a recent love that I only saw as a 16 or 17 year old.  I didn't have some life long obsession with movies like many of my class mates.  I mostly had an fascination with people, and film enabled me to really explore that aspect of my life.  I fell in love, joined a fraternity and jumped head first in to college to graduate with a degree that was limitless with potential based on patience and ability to be poor.  I have never really been good at either and took the safe job, "my first offer."

This was not bad, but I closed a major track.  I chose to use money my dad had said he would give me to see Europe for a down payment on a car. See I didn't just go to Europe after graduation....I should have, no I played it safe and started looking for work from day one.  I regret this choice, mainly because I could have purchased a car anytime, and in 2003 the economy was sailing so I don't even think a job would have been impossible to come by, but the time for Europe won't come again for me for many more years.  And even with these tracks turned away from I can't help but to look back 7 years and know that if I would have done all that...I never would have met my wife.  I would have been in Europe instead of sitting at a poker party and talking, and we'd likely never have met.  I ended up getting to ride on some of the tracks I turned away from in 2003, in 2006 my wife and I did Southern and Northern Ireland, much like I would have done as a recent college grad.  Even with my turning away from those tracks I got to ride at least a small portion of the tracks, but this time with the woman I love on our anniversary while she carried our child, a truly profound experience.

I wonder now, as a parent with three small children if I have closed any tracks for my children, I truly hope not, but I know I must have.  I have yet to really invest in my kids language.  They speak English, but I have done next to nothing to insure they will speak any additional languages which is a huge advantage in life.  I am introducing my children to my faith which has led me to truth in my life, but they may never see a world view different than what I have introduce them to.  I don't want to think what if with my children, but that is something that seems inevitable as a parent, I just hope I don't miss the important tracks for my kids and they are able to accomplish what they dream about as a child.

It's sort of funny how I really don't think about my track near at all anymore compared to what I think about with my kids...I feel like I have chosen my path and just hope that I don't choose my kids but give them the tools to find where they hope to go.

The Love of Affection

I used to think I would out grow my desire to receive praise.  As a child, teen and young adult I would regularly want to talk with my parents, more specifically my dad, about my enterprises, classes, grades (when they were good) and even my job.  To hear my dad tell me that he was proud of me lifted my spirits, and even now I can flash back to moments of accomplishment and the feeling I had when my father told me how proud he was of me.  That motivates me to want to work even harder, do better and accomplish more.  

You'd figure I would out grow this desire, but in reality it hasn't.  As a man now I'd be lying if I didn't want to hear from my dad say that he is proud of me, and though I talk with him regularly, it isn't the same as when you can see it from someone's eyes.  

Having young kids when you come home from work, or in my case when I wake up after work, run to you and say they love you is a truly remarkable feeling.  Recently my daughter who is just over a year will lunge, if she is being held, with all her might to me and try and have me hold her.  My boy's will ask about my work and to be honest I love when they are impressed with my day.  I can't imagine that many people my age feel this way...who knows, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy that my boys love what I do and express pride in their dad.  

Drew has started showing signs of this as well, reminding us of his good behavior, pointing out things he excels in, and even seeking acknowledgement for doing what he is supposed to do.  Seeing this from a four year old reminds me a lot of how I act even now as an adult.  Perhaps this is not unique to me per se, though I still feel that I seem to want positive affirmation more than most.  

See I think this is where we may get things wrong as a whole.  You often hear people joke, well maybe he wasn't hugged enough as a kid.  If even as an adult, married with kids affirmation and acknowledgement is a priority for me, why is that bad.  Isn't "great job" free?  I'm not saying throw a party, but a shoulder squeeze and an "atta boy" seems simple, but has the potential to really fuel a person to grow and excel.  

I think I have even fallen into the trap of trying to budget my expression of pride, and there is no good reason.  I can tell the impact it makes when I do it, this is something I know will make an impression on my kids for years to come.  If self confidence is a trait I seek to instill in my children, I think it clearly starts with providing an abundance of affection, that is something I can do and I understand.

Bonding with my wife

My wife and I went to engaged encounter a few months before our wedding.  We spent some quality time there, and though some of the talking points they gave were already discussed prior to our arrival it was nonetheless a very meaningful weekend.  As I remember sitting with my bride to be there was a very lovely couple in their late 40s with grown children.  They spoke about dating your spouse, and deciding to love, rather than just expecting a romantic love to tingle and grow without work.  I'd never thought that marriage is just something that happens, or for that matter is easy, but I never thought about dating my wife.  I've been married for nearly six years, and I know next to nothing about "dating" now, but I know a lot about my wife.

When I married my wife I was working for an advertising agency editing video.  If I didn't know you, I'd just say I was editing commercials, but that wouldn't be accurate, the most "commercial" video I worked on lived on the internet, not the television, but regardless it was a major ad agency for one of the largest clients in the world.  I was younger, far more care free, and to be honest way more egocentric.  I was just as talkative and loud as I am now, but perhaps with a "bit" less tack, but I can't lie I still don't have much tack, and that has become part of what makes me, me.  I was a father about 18 months after I was married, which meant we didn't have a honeymoon baby, but didn't exactly spend a lot of time as a couple alone either.  By about the time we had our second child, 3 years into our marriage, that couple we heard at engaged encounter made sense to me.  My wife was working full time, we had a one year old and she was pregnant with our second, I quit my job, and completely changed my career, starting all over.  A month after my son Sean was born we moved.  So in the span of 9 months, my wife quit her full time job got a part time one, I quit my job, got a new one, we moved and we had a second child...I'm tired just writing that.

I really needed to date my wife, I needed to get to know her again.  She spent all day with our kids, still worked (and still does), and I was in a new job working all sorts of hours of the day, switching shifts far more than is good for a human being.  It isn't that I changed dramatically in a day, or she did either, we were living our lives, and if we didn't have an hour to talk we would realize a few months later that the other person may be really struggling, changing, growing, getting depressed, be elated, be sad, and just plain living life without the other person.

I married Cristina to be together for life, not just a lifetime.  I met my wife and knew I had found a person who's personality was strong and vibrant enough to deal with the brash person I can be, and I won't lie that is hard.  My wife and I compliment each other, we make a whole, which really is what marriage is.  Thus the dating.

See I don't believe people change in the grand scheme of things, but I do believe that we progress on our path.  If you aren't careful you come to find out you have diverged on slightly different paths, and the two roads you met on that became one, are two again, this doesn't signify the end, but rather a misstep in relationship timing.  When you fall out of sync and path for too long the movies love the line "I don't even know you anymore" happens, but more specifically you have chosen a path that no longer involves being with someone else, and I don't think this is from lack of working in marriage, but rather lack of dating.

I haven't been married long in comparison to some, but I have learned a bit in my short time, and I know I have continually grown, evolved and refined who I am, if my wife thought I was the same man I was 6 or even 8 years ago we'd be in trouble.  But whether it is a morning breakfast at her favorite place, or an evening on the couch under a blanket we have reached out to each other to bond in a way best described as dating;  Coming together at a particular time to focus on the other person, and I can't think of any relationship that won't be made better by doing that.

Milestones

Being a parent has filled me with tremendous pride.  Watching my small babies, grow into toddlers, and young kids is a joy to watch.  With each passing milestone I am of course proud and want to impart this on my kids.  I am a firm believer that showing your children how proud of them you are helps create healthy kids.  That is the exact thing that has recently made me have to come up with creative ways to impart this on each of my 3 kids.

As my 4 year old recently was cast into a commercial, my wife and I were ecstatic that he would have a great start to a college/small business fund.  Drew had a blast and I am sure that my other two children had to notice how excited we were for him.  Not wanting to make the others feel left out we tried hard to insure them that we thought they were special and spend some quality time with both Sean and Eva.

Not even a few weeks later my wife and I started potty training our 2.5 year old.  Sean was a different experience than Drew, but sure enough 3 days in we were over the moon to see that Sean was really picking up on it.  To start, Drew was just as excited as us and "helped" my wife and I with Sean, but just like with Drew a few weeks prior, I am sure that Eva and Drew were taking notice of all the attention Sean was getting.  Soon Drew was announcing his successful escapades in the bathroom and seeking the same praise.

Eva for her part is at a stage of life where hitting milestones comes a tad bit more frequently.  The boys are far more used to this, and seem to celebrate the joy of watching a young sibling grow.  I think given her age and the fact that she is a girl and they are boys, the competition hasn't quite set in.

My wife and I have spent a lot of energy trying to teach our children the importance of working together and celebrating each person's accomplishments.  We have expressed that no matter how often, we will be excited and proud of our kids endlessly as they grow, that praise for one will not mean less praise for them later. The fact that we all accomplish things our own way and in our own time is a far harder lesson to teach to young children.

Milestones with one child is a no brainer, with only one child's feelings to think about and praise, the worry that another child would feel slighted is non-existent, but it was a surprise to me to realize that mutual sharing in joy is not just a concept that adults can struggle with but kids as young as 2 struggle with as well.  Hopefully I can impart this lesson on my kids and they will understand there parents have an endless amount of praise to give to our children, love is not a limited commodity we give out.

Parental Scale

My wife and I just went away for the weekend.  She had a work conference near Disneyland and we got a nice hotel room in close proximity of the magic kingdom.  We have been going together now for years and it has always been a wonderful trip.

Before we had kids we'd sneak away for great dates and a nice time out with some mutual friends.  After we had our first I'd stay back while Cristina went to her conference.  Even with the addition of another child we would make it year after year.  Last year after our third had been born once again we went, my wife with the infant in tow.

This year I flew solo with all three while my wife went and enjoyed some wonderful conferences; and this year it was a challenge.  At home all three kids is not nearly as trying.  We have multiple rooms, safe areas I can let them play alone, all sorts of toys, shows, activities and "baby free" areas for my boys to play.  But away from home we have limited space, toys, and resources with which to keep the kids occupied.  The weather this year was abysmal, so my fail safe last year of hanging by the pool was a no go.  So like a ship without a rudder, I attempted to wing it.  On Friday we played at Disney, but the crowds deterred me and I went back to the hotel.  Saturday, my grand plan of the pool was crushed with frigid temps and I lacked the ability to effectively call an audible.  So the laws of scaling difficulty came into play.  Slowly my crying daughter ate away at my patience, and when I finally got her asleep, my boys who were not giving me any sort of legitimate problems began to wrangle my last nerve.

Just like that I was losing it with them.  I had the patience for a crying kid for a long while, and when I endured that "test" a newer far simpler test presented itself, but my parental endurance was exhausted.  As my family has scaled in size, unfortunately not everything has scaled for me.  I am not 3 times more patient, and I don't have 3 times the energy.  Fortunately for my wife and I the rules of scale have benefited us as well.  Our kids do entertain themselves, and food prep isn't any more difficult, though feeding 3 kids who need constant attention is a chore unto it's self.  Ultimately I always thought that I could ignore whining and crying and it wouldn't rile my nerves, but I never planned on how little sleep I would get (or the poor quality of sleep), and how that truly effects my ability to effectively parent.  I also never planned on three kids waring on my nerves at the same time. I am going to need help when my kids coordinate their moves and don't have happy/unhappy accidental Dad overload moments, but rather a meltdown of their planning.

Choose to be Happy

I've been blessed with a unique ability to let go of work when I leave work.  Perhaps this is to my detriment, I never seemed to take my thoughts of work home with me when I did work in a creative field.  While I still did think of creative things, they were my ideas, and had little to do with my work.  Even after switching jobs to a field that was easily the least creative field imaginable I still manage to neglect thoughts of work at home.

All this is ideal for me.  When I am home I want to be with my family, with my kids, my wife, and my thoughts.  I don't lament a rough day, or for that matter spend much time reliving a great one at work, I just sort of plug on with what I was doing.  Lately that is cooking, I spend time in the morning coming up with menu planning, perhaps a walk in the afternoon for fresh vegetables with my wife and kids.  In some ways this is perfect, but my gift for living in my moment and leaving work at work doesn't translate elsewhere.

If things aren't working well with a certain aspect of parenting, or the gold standard of marriage woes; money.  I don't have work distracting me from it.  I seem to manage to use all my free time to contemplate, think, and worse yet brood.  My seemingly undaunted ability to live in the moment when I leave work, creates a polar opposite reaction at home, and one I want to change.

Lately my boys, who in all fairness are incredible kids, seem to rile my last nerve.  I know the real reason is they astound me, and in turn my standards and expectations have risen to such a point that I forget their ages.  Occasionally I will sit with Sean, and it will smack me in the face that he is a toddler and how could I possibly expect him to have the ability to reason at all times and not lose control of his emotions.  I manage to remember these things long after I have lost my temper, or worse, spent an afternoon in a horrendous mood, one where even my fun loving kids want little to do with me.

I love being a dad, and I think that is why this is hard for me.  I ofter hear complaints about fathers being at work at all hours, and work becomes they child's least favorite thing about dad.  In many cases "Dad" becomes almost a cool uncle who will always take you to the great places and do fun things, or buy new toys.  Or, for a short time was the case with my childhood, dad was the Godfather whom you never wanted to see, because if you did see him it means you really screwed up, or it was a special occasion.  I am not that dad, and have striven to be an active participant in the process of raising a child to be an adult.

I want to be a part of the entire process of raising a child, and that includes the doldrums, the fun, and the difficult.  In marriage I can manage to move past things rather quickly, my wife and I have been blessed with communication that comes with an ease that I really prayed for when we first met, I want my wife, my partner in life to know where I am and where I want us to be going.  Like wise I want to know where my wife is and where she wants to be going; we want to be in lockstep as best we can.  My ability to move past things with money and kids is poor at least half the time it seems and the difficult part is that it seems to perpetuate discontent.  As if it tints my world view and everything becomes that color.  I usually manage to end this malaise after a day or two, but rarely is it before my children have gone to bed...and usually after I have lost my temper with the going to bed process.  Thoughts of money have similar effect, but in that case the kids are purely collateral damage, and even my wife can be taken into my quicksand.

Doing things I love, like listening to great jazz, and cooking should lift me from the haze, and even lately I find this isn't the case.  I feel like there is a paradigm shift to be had somewhere, and then I recall my words I sometimes find using with my children "choose to be happy."  Sean, the child who can make me laugh like no other is 2 and a half and throws a great temper tantrum.  He is relatively easy to remove from a bad mood, just offer him a tangerine.  A little super sweet orange fruit and almost without fail he will stop the flow of tears and turn to you after shouting "NO!" he will pause almost to actually hear your offer and say in a quiet voice with puppy dog tear filled eyes "yes."  At times we will be going to a place he loves or doing something that is his favorite and something will happen and it will be endless screaming (and man that kid can scream) and I will break down forgetting he is a toddler and practically yell "choose to be happy."  No wonder why he does not listen to me, even dad has a hard time doing that.

The Joy of Cooking

Having been a fan of cooking in the kitchen for some time I find it amazing it took me so long to buy a book that in some circles is considered the back bone of any cook book collection.  My newest found escapade into the artistic chemistry that is creating food has finally brought my desire to buy this book to the fruition.

So while perusing the book store the other afternoon I finally decided I should  buy this book, and I did.  There are a whopping total of 4500 recipes in the book, a bible thickness, and a funny touch only one silk ribbon book mark, though my first meal made from the pages required 2 different pages with my recipe.  Cooking has become an escape as my last few posts have discussed but a little more for me.

My mom, who happens to live overseas, came in town for her yearly visit.  My children have grown tremendously since her last trip nearly a year and a half ago, and my family grew by a beautiful daughter in that time.

My mom valued cooking for our family and equated her cooking to her expression of love for us.  We'd eat all sorts of things, always with little spice and never with butter.  My mom, a child of the 50s and 60s grew up with the advent of the dreaded vegetable oil solid that is now a trans-fat nightmare of margarine, but I can't fault her for that, and it did after all give me the greatest pie crust yet with Crisco instead of butter or lard.  My mom who has become far less of an exploratory cook as she has aged was quite the explorer as I remember our dinners.  She would try anything and everything, her recipe index would likely provide enough meals to have a new one every night for the rest of our lives, and she would still tear out recipes from the food section on Thursdays.  My mom, as a house wife, knew the intrinsic value of eating as a family, and preparing fresh healthy food.  It even took my mom till I was nearly 12 to finally decide it was okay to get a microwave.

As my mom and I visited we noted how different we are, and the similarities between her and my other siblings.  But cooking and "dinner time" we do share.  She commented that I would be a great chef, and I disagreed, cooking for me is more about feeling and less about trying to figure out how to make money from it.  The time came for dinner and I made our kids a quick meal since we were having a late adult dinner due to my brother getting off work late.  I made braised stuffed pork chops with home made Italian stuffing.  It took me longer than I thought it would and the mess I made was worthy of a feast, not a simple dinner.  But as my brother and our wives with my mom sat eating our food, which I slightly over cooked, it did give me joy.  There was a joy to cooking.  I really loved preparing food for my family, I loved knowing that I made this from scratch, with herbs from my garden and it wasn't a quick 15 min. exercise in microwave heating, but rather a process that produced a delicious meal to be the backdrop of our family at table breaking bread.  It seems to me that when I spend a little more time creating a meal; it is more than just dinner.  It becomes a center piece to foster the building of relationships.